Where have you gone, girl?
Day 673: Sunday 5th January 2020
Where have you gone, girl?
Where is your spirit of adventure?
You used to love dragging your ass up the beautiful mountains of Scotland to see the views you couldn’t see from the roadside. You’d fall in the bog, moan that hillwalking was so hard and vow to not leave it too long between hills because you wanted it to be easier. But still you carried on, one foot in front of the other, because it was worth every step.
When you got to the top of the mountain and you could see mountains for miles it made you feel like the world truly was a special place. It made you feel tiny. It grounded you. Will you ever get to appreciate those views again?
You used to think nothing of getting up in the middle of the night to search for the Northern Lights. You’d be freezing but you did it just for the chance of photographing the Aurora Borealis.
And when you did it was magical. It was a feast for the eyes, the purples and greens dancing high in the sky. You got to experience views many times over that some people spend their lives wishing for.
You were so lucky.
It’s been nearly 2 years since the accident that changed my life, gave me a brain injury post-concussion syndrome, that started the invention of AJ v2.0. I wonder if I’m deluding myself hoping that one day the new me will get to stand on the summit of a hill. I’m happy I got to experience all those magical things but I do miss you.
I’ve so much hard work still ahead of me. I channel what energy I have into the gym because strength training is something I can do but I still want more. I’m not done living my adventures.
I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned about myself along the way, for the resilient person I’ve become and that I’ve kept going, one baby step at a time. I’ve learned to embrace the sloth life, living in the slow lane. But I’m scared.
I don’t want to settle for what I can do. I want more but what if I can’t have it? What if I don’t get to stand on those mountain summits again?
Little water droplets of emotion trickle down my cheeks as we approach 4am and show me that I care. I haven’t cried in a long long time and I wondered lately if I’d lost the ability to feel that deeply. I know you’re still in there.
Girl, I know my body doesn’t have the same abilities right now but please help me to keep on fighting.
Please let me feel you. I want your spirit of adventure to shine through me like a force of nature because I’m not done.
We’re not done.
Please don’t let me stop aiming for the sky, because if we miss we can land in the mountains.
This isn’t over. We’ve got work to do.
I need you, girl.
Over to you, warriors!
How have you dealt with the milestones in your recovery? What have you learnt about yourself living with a brain injury? Pop into the comments and let me know.
I know how incredibly scary life can be when you’re living with post-concussion syndrome but I don’t want you to feel alone. I’ve got your back and if you need to chat any time, please get in touch. You’ll also find me sharing my journey on Instagram so feel free to connect and say Hi!
And remember, you’re not broken, you’re finding your sparkle so do something every day that makes you happy!